Slow Death

I can't do this anymore.  Waiting to be with the one I love and long for is almost killing me.  It is so, so difficult to be the other woman - the one who gets his spare moments, or the minutes he's had to work at fitting me in to.  Maybe I do deserve better.  Maybe I do deserve a man who will give up everything for me.  Maybe I deserve freedom from this prison of hell.  I hate my life so much.  My kids don't respect me or my authority.  My daughter even hits me on a regular basis.  I left an abusive marriage because I was tired of being disrespected, belittled and hit... the kids, however, just continued on where their father left off.  It's been almost a year since my separation and I am still in the same place I was back then.  I want to run or die.  I cannot handle this charade any longer.  I keep pretending that things are going well, that I am doing fine.  That is not the truth, at all.  I fake everything.  I don't want to be here.  I don't care one little bit about my few material possessions.  The only reason I can't work is because I am a single Mom.  I get very little help from others.  My Mom helps when she's not working.  I have one friend who takes the kids and I where we need to go once every 2 weeks.  And, of course, I have Jacob - whom I would die without.  We go places together, mostly on the sly.  I want to live with him so badly.  I just want to leave everything and go be with him.  I either need to be with him or not - this in between is killing me slowly.